• Home
  • BOOK SHOP
    • Kylie's Stories
    • Other books by Maria Jordan >
      • Mysterious & Miraculous Book I - News and Reviews
  • BLOGS
    • mar's Desk
    • Inspiration Station
    • Poetic Ponderings
    • marcoujor on Hubpages
  • I Recommend...
  • Contact Me
  marcoujor's musings

mar's Desk

​This multi-topic blog publishes weekly on Wednesdays.
Thank you for the visit and please enjoy the reading.

Home

MARCOUJOR: REMEMBERING OUR MOTHERS BY GAIL SOBOTKIN, GUEST AUTHOR

5/21/2014

26 Comments

 
Picturemarcoujor
I was thrilled when my dear friend Gail Sobotkin (Happyboomernurse of Hubpages) invited me to her neck of the woods in Milford, Delaware on May 10th to attend a workshop in honor of those who have lost their mothers and grandmothers.  

I was totally unprepared for a mind and body revolt on the 4th anniversary of Mom's death, May 7th, that left me quite sick and unable to make the drive.  As expected, Gail was the consummate nurse and made me feel better virtually every way she could across the miles.

Read on and see what a meaningful workshop this was for all involved.


I have already 'booked the date' for next year!

Thanks, sweet Gail!

The Workshop .... 

PictureGail Sobotkin of Hubpages
The Saturday before Mother’s Day, twenty men and women are seated around a horseshoe-shaped banquet table in the Milford, Delaware Hospice Center conference room, feasting on a delicious assortment of pastries and fresh fruit, when Dr. Judith E. Pierson, Clinical Psychologist, welcomes everyone to the “Remembering Our Mothers & Grandmothers” workshop.
 
The room is decorated with colorful table cloths, flowers, and a remembrance table filled with framed photos of each participant’s mother. The photos are in an honored location to the right of where Dr. Pierson is standing. This touching display will become an important part of the grieving and healing exercises we do today, but for now it is a gentle reminder of why we have gathered together, and the as yet unspoken pain, regrets and memories that are particularly acute at this time of year when the whole world seems to be focused on their mothers.

Dr. Pierson introduces herself as Dr. Judy, instantly breaking down the invisible barrier that usually separates a professional addressing a lay audience. Most of the attendees already know and love her, through the work she does at the hospice center and in her private practice. She is a small woman with a big heart—quick to reach out and comfort those who are grieving with a compassionate ear, a soft touch or a warm embrace, and she is a dynamic speaker who quickly makes her audience feel at ease. 

She says, “Whether your relationship with your mother was ideal or far from ideal you are likely to have strong feelings about her death.”

Several people, including myself, nod, and I realize that in one sentence she has effectively set the tone for the rest of the day giving us permission to explore all the feelings we have about our mother -- embracing the good and the bad without fear of sounding heartless or disrespectful.
  
She tells us, “If your mother was wonderful, you will feel like you have lost your biggest fan, your protector, and your nurturer. You may feel as if you have lost your compass or at least one of your best sounding boards.”

I think of Maria, my dear friend who planned on attending the workshop with me before she got sick.

Maria’s mom, Miss Sammie, was all those things Dr. Judy just said, yet as wonderful as Miss Sammie was, she couldn't protect her loving daughter from the rage of a crazed gunman who almost succeeded in taking Maria’s life back in 1999. Fortunately, Miss Sammie was still alive back then and was able to help Maria get through the long process of recovery from multiple gunshot wounds -- not just the physical wounds, but the injuries to her spirit, too.

Sadly, Miss Sammie died in 2010, and I know Maria still grieves the loss of her wonderful, supportive mother.
 
But, not all of us have had that kind of closeness with our mothers. Dr. Judy acknowledges the ambivalent feelings many of us have by saying, “Few of us have had trouble free relationships with our mothers. Like all human beings, mothers are usually a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses.

"We, too, are mixed bags and so some regrets seem inevitable. Given how strong our feelings are about our mothers those regrets provide fertile ground for feelings of guilt.”

I think of my own mother, who, unbeknownst to me as a child, suffered from mental illness that was later diagnosed as manic depression (bipolar). The highs and lows of my childhood, and also my adult relationship with her, were punctuated and sometimes strained by the extremes of her mania and depression.

Ours was not an ideal relationship but the love between us runs deep and that bond was strengthened not broken, by her death two years ago.
 
Dr. Judy speaks a while longer, then leads us through several small group exercises by having us pair up with someone we don’t know to discuss the following prompts:

• “The qualities I enjoyed, admired or were inspired by in my mother were…”
• “Things about my mother that were in need of improvement or made her human were….”
• “Ways my mother lives on in me, in others, in family traditions or in other ways….”

As we work on the prompts, the morning passes by quickly. Tears, regrets and feelings of guilt are shed as we grapple with our grief. Smiles are also shared when we remember the good things about our mothers.
 
At Dr. Judy’s gentle nudge, one woman shows everyone a beautiful white teddy bear and tells us it was made from her mother’s favorite shirt. She hugs the bear in a moment of grief and the comfort it brings her is bittersweet and palpable. I’ve heard about these bears, but have never seen one. Now I understand how valuable they can be to the grieving process -- in some childlike, almost magical way they deeply connect us with the childhood bond we had with our mothers.
 
Dr. Judy addresses this bond by saying, “In many ways you will always be children in relationship to your parents. And it is the parent of your childhood and youth that you bury which is why you can feel orphaned at any age when your mother dies.”

I recognize the truth of that statement on a gut level. It explains why I can still miss my mother, even though she was 83 years old, and I was 60, when she died.
 
It is now time to share the photos we brought.

Sharing the Photos ... 

One by one, Dr. Judy gives each participant the chance to retrieve their mother’s photo, hold it up and speak about ways our mother lives on in ourselves, others and in our family traditions.  A few participants decline and she’s quick to assure them its okay to take a pass on this exercise. 
I am the last one to hold up a picture of my mom. Though I’d brought a framed collage for the remembrance table, I hold up a 5 by 7 photo of mom when she was 30 years old because I always thought she looked like a movie star at that age. 

My voice quivers and my hands tremble as I speak about her.

“My mom was a stunningly beautiful woman. I won’t say I share that trait, but I will say that she was as kind and compassionate as she was beautiful and I do share those traits. She also lives on in me in my love of reading, writing and learning. From the time I was a little girl she read books to me and told me I was smart enough to be anything I wanted to be, and I believed her. When I grew up I decided to become a nurse and she was so proud when I was the first in our family to earn a college degree.”

When I sit down I feel an unexpected wave of gratitude for my mother and the strengths and gifts she bequeathed to me.

Dr. Judy has one last exercise for us to do. She passes out blank 4 by 3 inch cards with a hole punched in them, plus a short length of string, and instructs us to write down something we’d like to say to our moms. 

I inscribe the following words on my small blue card ...

Dear Mom,

Thank you for raising me with love and compassion and for instilling in me a great passion for learning and writing.


Your Loving Daughter,


Gail


Dr. Judy recommended that we hang the cards on the open arm of a tree on Mother’s Day as a tangible connection to our mothers who will hopefully receive our heartfelt message.

Some may have thought this exercise hokey, but I’m glad I took Dr. Judy’s recommendation literally.

Mother’s Day dawned bright and sunny and as I hung my card on the maple tree in my back yard I had no doubt my mom would receive the love and gratitude I was sending her.

Gail Sobotkin
Happyboomernurse of HubPages.com
26 Comments
Gail Sobotkin link
5/21/2014 09:00:52 am

Dear Maria,
Thanks so much for posting this article on your inspirational blog. You are a continual source of inspiration and support for me and I am so grateful to have you for a friend.
Yes, hopefully we will be able to attend this healing workshop together next year. Grief is an ongoing process and though the rawness of our grief subsides there are still times we miss those who have passed on, and that is even more so when it's our mothers.
It feels good to be able to honor them for Mother's Day.
I'd also like to thank our dear friend, Angelia Phillips for her work behind the scenes on formatting this web page. She did a great job, especially with the photos.
Blessings & Love to Both of You,
Gail Symon Sobotkin

Reply
marcoujor link
5/21/2014 10:46:55 am

Dear Gail,

Thank you ever so much for your presence and friendship in my life.
You did a beautiful job with this post and I am honored to share it on my website.

I am forever grateful to your mom for instilling love and compassion in you, as you share these gifts so freely with me and everyone in your world. Your nursing career has also been a wonderful way to share these gifts. And I happen to think you have that beauty as well, both inside and out...

Thanks also to femme, I don't know what I would do without you, seriously. You add shine, polish and beauty to all you touch.

Love you both, Maria

Reply
kimmie
5/21/2014 09:25:50 am

Dearest Maria and Gail. This article was truly so touching and what a beautiful way to celebrate the life of a beloved mother. It is so true...While relationships are far from perfect, never the less these special human beings are our mothers who loved us and we them.
Love you both

Reply
marcoujor link
5/21/2014 10:48:58 am

Dear Kimmie,

Thanks for stopping by with these affirming and supportive comments.

You are a wise and beautiful friend. Love you, Maria

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/21/2014 12:06:37 pm

Dear Kimmie,
Thanks for leaving such a lovely, wise and supportive comment.
The workshop was a good way to celebrate a beloved mother and I felt blessed to be able to attend it.
Love You,
Gail

Reply
Ruby link
5/21/2014 09:48:01 am

I made it just fine until i got to the teddy bear, then the tears arrived. I always had a teddy bear dragging it along when i was a child. I loved my mother so very much although we had trying times. She seemed to make so many wrong choices throughout her life and i followed in many ways. The day she died was the saddest day of my life. She was 76 and i was 36, yet it is vividly clear today. I know my mother is in heaven, although she struggled with religion her entire life. She was raised by a strict mother, grandma Minnie, who was a pentecostal woman who spoke in tongues. My mother, late in life, joined a church, The assembly of God and was content for the first time since leaving my father when i was two years old, leaving eleven children, most were married or had gone off to work in the city, three were left with my father. This is a story i've needed to tell. This oppurunity is a cartharsis for my soul. Thank you so much. I love the idea of meeting with friends in remembrance of our mother's.So sorry you were ill and couldn't attend Mar. Maybe next time. Love, Ruby.

Reply
marcoujor link
5/21/2014 11:07:13 am

Sweet Ruby,

Thank you for sharing your story with us...I can feel yours tears and I hope this is a way for you to feel some release and realization that you are not alone in your feelings.

You are so beautiful. You have devoted your life to making the world of your loved ones and patients more beautiful. I believe I will focus on that and all the 'right' choices you made.

I sure did love my teddy bear too. 50+ years later, I still have him and reach for him when the times are hard.

And yes, I want very much to attend this workshop with Gail next year. Love you, Maria

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/21/2014 12:27:02 pm

Dear Ruby,
Your comment really touched my soul. It must have been so hard for you to be so small when she left your father.
The teddy bear finds its way into the heart of our "inner child" in a powerful way bringing a rush of feelings with it.
Despite the ups and downs of your relationship with your mother, your love for her came shining through in your comment, and also the complicated nature of this most sacred of
relationships. It shows how we are affected not only by the choices of our mothers, but also our grandmothers, and how their choices sometimes affect our own.
Thanks so much for sharing some of your story with us. If there is anything like this workshop near where you live you might find it very beneficial to go for it is, indeed, cathartic to release some of the grief in a supportive, group setting.
Sending Love & Blessings,
Gail

Reply
Shauna L Bowling link
5/21/2014 09:49:12 am

Wow, Gail. What an awesome place to be on Mothers Day! My mother is still alive, but we have had our trials and tribulations throughout my life - and continue to do so. When it comes down to it, our love for each other overcomes. I'm grateful for her love, for forcing me to realize the dangers I've put myself in over the years and the strength to recognize the "me" factor in all of it. She gave me the strength to overcome and survive. No matter what, she always loves me. I'm blessed to have been born of her wisdom, charm, intuitiveness, creativity and love.

Your post is inspiring and comforting. You are a wonderful woman and it sounds like your mom was too.

Reply
marcoujor link
5/21/2014 11:08:47 am

Thanks for stopping by in these busy days, dear Sha. I could not agree with you more.

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/21/2014 12:58:17 pm

Dear Sha,
Your description of your relationship with your mother is a beautiful portrayal of unconditional love. No matter what ups and downs occur love always gets us through.
Thanks so much for your kind words and support and for adding such an insightful comment.
Sending Blessings & Love,
Gail

Reply
Mike
5/21/2014 11:21:14 am

Hello mar and Gail. And for that matter, Ruby and femme and Kimmieand Shauna. Gail thank you for sharing such a loving and compassionate experience with all your friends here. I am sure that the daughter mother relationship is the tauntest of tightropes to walk and all of you ladies seem to have tiptoed over that tightrope with the greatest of ease or thereabouts. So Happy Mothers day and Happy daughters day to you all.

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/21/2014 01:08:22 pm

Dear Mike,
Thanks so much for leaving such an insightful and compassionate comment to all of us. Yes, the mother/daughter relationship is in some ways like navigating a tightrope.
Being the mother of a son, I know that the mother/son bond is also very deep. There were only a few men at the workshop but their participation was very welcome and it was clear that they loved, honored and respected their mothers very much.
Thanks, as ever, for being a dear friend and mentor.
Sending Hugs & Blessings,
Gail

Reply
marcoujor link
5/21/2014 11:53:28 pm

Mike, Thanks for your remarks, insight and kindness. I love the concept of "Daughter's Day"...Mom always had a way of making Mother's Day special for me as well. In a way, you remind me of my Mom...in the wisdom department!

Gail, thanks to you as well for coming back and leaving such meaningful responses to our friends.

Hugs to you both, Maria

Vicki
5/21/2014 03:02:17 pm

Dear Mareer and Gail,

It was so nice of you both to share this experience with us, and Gail, you remembered what happened and expressed it very beautifully. I'm sure it made all of us think again about our mother/child relationships. I love the pictures, and it sounds as though the leader of the group was understanding and compassionate, which is what we all need after loss. Thank you so much, both of you.

Reply
marcoujor link
5/22/2014 12:01:04 am

Dear Vickster,

Thank you for calling me the sweet name Mom had for me in her lovely Southern accent. You have a compassionate and understanding manner that makes it effortless to be with you.

Thanks for your insights and have a peaceful day. Love you, Mareer

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/22/2014 12:06:30 pm

Dear Vicki,
Thank you for your insightful and supportive comment!
Dr. Judy is exactly the kind of group leader that a workshop like this needs and she is also very well prepared with excellent hand-outs which contain all the information that she covered. That's why I was able to quote her so effectively!
I greatly appreciate your feedback as I know you've done grief work and counseling with many others and you know what it takes to run this kind of group.
Sending Blessings, Hugs & Love Your Way,
Gail

Reply
Theresa
5/21/2014 04:12:06 pm

Dear Maria,

Thank you for sharing and posting Gail's wonderful experiences at the special workshop. I am so sorry you were not feeling well and unable to attend. Hugs

Dear Gail,

What a unique and beautiful way to remember our beloved mothers. Your sharing of your experience has touched my heart and I received a blessing. I am blessed to have had the sweetest mother on the planet, in my eyes, for 84 years. She lived 24 years after my dad died. Throughout my entire life, I never once heard her speak an ill word about anyone ever. Whatever life had to throw at her, she was so strong, despite her meek and mild demeanor. I believe she is the strongest person I have ever known in my entire life. She went on to heaven just five days before Christmas in 2012. The whole family celebrated her birthday with her on December 16 and just four days later she was gone.

My mother loved birds of all kinds, especially the Cardinal for its beautiful color and lovely songs. I shared with Maria already about what happened on this Mother's Day, I was up early drinking my coffee at the breakfast table which sits in front of a big window. I was thinking about a time long ago when I was a child and we were setting out sunflower seeds to feed the birds, which Cardinals really love. Then out of the corner of my eye, just outside the window, I was sitting next to, I saw a flash of red and then heard a lovely little song. I looked and there was a beautiful Cardinal sitting on my windowsill. I sang for just a bit and then flew away. My heart skipped a beat.

The photos are wonderful.

Blessings and Hugs to you both.

Reply
marcoujor link
5/21/2014 11:57:41 pm

Dear Theresa,

Your comments are as beautiful as you are. Thanks so much for sharing your Mom's legacy and the special visit you had from her recently.

I believe, like you, that the bond we share with our Moms never dies.

I am feeling much better and hoping your week is a good one.

Love and hugs to you, Maria

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/22/2014 12:14:59 pm

Dear Theresa,
My soul smiled and my arms tingled when I read about the beautiful blessing you experienced on the Mother's Day. Such a sweet childhood memory and then a real time visit from a singing Cardinal. I do believe that when we're spiritually open to these kinds of connections, they occur in unexpected and meaningful ways such as what you just experienced.
Thanks so much for sharing this and for your kind, supportive feedback.
It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your mom during her lifetime and like so many of her best qualities are carried on through you and through the faith she helped instill in you.
Sending Blessings, Love & Hugs,
Gail

Reply
Martie link
5/22/2014 05:05:47 am

I take my hat off for Dr Judy Pierson. Workshops for those who are mourning the death of their mothers, and also of their fathers, are needed all over the world. I wonder where are the professionals in SA who are supposed to serve their communities inter alia via workshops like this?

Gail, your report is vivid and soul-enriching. I feel as if I were there with you.

Mar, what a brilliant idea - to invite Gail as a guest author.

Thanks a lot, Gail and Maria, for this awesome, comforting and soul-enriching post :)

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/22/2014 12:24:13 pm

Dear Martie,
You are right about there being a great need for grief counselors all over the world.
I believe that dedicated and compassionate counselors like Dr. Judy have a "calling" and "gift" for this kind of work and it is truly a blessing for those who are on the receiving end of her support and counseling.
Thanks so much for your specific feedback about the report I gave about this event. Dr. Judy gave excellent handouts which made it easy to include accurate quotes. I also tried to stay with my own experience so as not to divulge anything other attendees said during the workshop. I respect their expectation of privacy and felt it wouldn't be right to include specifics about what anyone (besides Dr. Judy) said.
Sending Blessings, Love & Hugs Your Way,
Gail

Reply
marcoujor link
5/25/2014 01:30:30 am

Dear Martie and Gail,

Martie, I appreciate your visit and meaningful remarks about this beautiful post, so relatable to all of us.

Gail, I am so grateful you shared Dr. Judy's kind feedback with me. I am energized at the thought of working with her in future workshops.

Love and hugs to you both, Maria

femmeflashpoint link
5/22/2014 06:50:33 am

Mar and Gail,

I'm late to the party, ladies, but wanted to stop by and let you know this is an awesome article full of wonderful and important information.

If folks can't relate to it yet, nearly all of them will eventually.

femme

Reply
Gail Sobotkin link
5/22/2014 12:27:53 pm

Dear Femme,
Thanks, as always for your support and help.
Unfortunately, your last sentence is all too true-- sooner or later we are all touched by the death of a loved one, and if we're lucky, we have someone like Dr. Judy to help us through the grieving process.
Sending Love & Hugs,
Gail

Reply
marcoujor link
5/25/2014 01:37:33 am

Dear femme and Gail,

femme, There are no clocks or calendars in my virtual hangout. And, in a sense, you were the first to visit with your amazing assistance to me in 'situating' this thoughtfully written post.

Gail, Your response is insightful and spot on. Thanks again for bringing this information to all of us.

Love and hugs - a peaceful Sunday to you both, Maria




Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


    The Web Only Your Site

    Marcoujor

    Welcome to my desk...

    I am a work in progress, so a rule of thumb is to expect the unexpected every week!

    Pull up a comfy chair and make yourself at home.

    Thank you,

    mar  



    Archives

    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    October 2014
    August 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013

    Thanks for Sharing!

    Popular Posts

    On Schizophrenia
    For the Love of Reading
    Kindness Does Not Discriminate
    A Healthy Recipe for a Balanced Life
    Playing the Game of Life
    Behind the Scenes at the Carriage Driver
    Remembering Mary
    How Wonderful
    The Legend of David Bowie
    Resolutions & Revelations
    The Gift of Life in Death
    The Charitable Spirit
    I Recommend
    The Magic of Soul Music
    Thanksgiving Leftovers
    ​Musings on Gratitude
    ​Perfection and Peace
    ​Everlasting Memories
    Adele Saying ''Hello''
    My Hero: Bruce Castor
    The Happiness Habit
    What Matters
    My Health Coach
    Vanity Views
    ​Just a Nurse
    ​Today is a Gift
    Everybody Hurts
    Bathroom Blues
    TIPS on Writing
    Self-Love or Selfish... ?
    The Power of Feedback
    A Balancing Act
    From Alphabets to Artichokes
    Findings on Finger-Labyrinths
    "Tell me a story, Kimmie..."
    Lessons of the Heart
    Sharing a Melody
    The Pleasure of Polarities
    The Ocean and Everything
    Letter to Sunshine
    Take Care of Yourself
    HOME
    GIFT SHOP
    AD SERVICES & SPONSORS
    BLOGS
    CONTACT ME
    I Recommend...
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • BOOK SHOP
    • Kylie's Stories
    • Other books by Maria Jordan >
      • Mysterious & Miraculous Book I - News and Reviews
  • BLOGS
    • mar's Desk
    • Inspiration Station
    • Poetic Ponderings
    • marcoujor on Hubpages
  • I Recommend...
  • Contact Me