mar's Desk

What Do You Need?

3/11/2015

marcoujor

This week I got a lovely note from a former student. We have kept in touch - what a special lady, a born nurse. I had the pleasure of teaching her three different subjects as she pursued and achieved her B.S.N. Her heart is that of a Holistic nurse.

I told her I intended to share part of her note in this week's post, along with my answer. I suspect some of you may be able to relate - perhaps not to the specifics but to her general feelings. I know her note struck a chord with me.

Here goes...

I'm trying to find peace. Oh Maria, I really need a revelation of what I should be doing. It seems like I can't find my place in the nursing world. I left my former job because my training was a horrible experience ( the trainer was disgruntled and cursed out the unit secretary. The nursing assistant was rude to me because I was wearing lipstick. My first week, I broke up a fight between 2 unit secretaries). The business manager wants me to return if my new job doesn't work out.

I feel so unfulfilled and no passion for my current job. I am grateful that I am even considered for so many positions but I feel so off course. I've been here for 8 months and I'm not settled yet: (I really don't know what
specialty of nursing is for me.)

I seem to have lost some of my confidence behind all of this. I am aware that I'm off balance and I'm not doing anything that I love or even being creative. I know it takes time to grow roots but this doesn't feel good.

I know what I need to do for my well being, but the energy is lost in translation to perform it.

Have you ever gone through this? I know that pain births new life .... I'm trying to find peace in the meantime.

The themes in this note indeed felt familiar to me.

Yes, I have gone through times in my life, in my career, when I have questioned my place - when I have wondered what I was doing in this particular environment. At times, the people I worked with were toxic. Sometimes I didn't share the same philosophy or work ethic with my supervisors. At one time I lost much of my confidence, having been out of active duty for several years due to a serious assault.

I know beyond a doubt that my heart always knows what is 'not right' for me. I have learned to listen to my instincts and to trust the power of knowing what I want and what is best for me. And simultaneously, this is when I get centered, when I find my sense of inner peace and purpose.

Through my life 'the mirror' has always held a significance for me. It's always been important for me to be able to 'look myself in the mirror' after a day and know I'd done the best job I could. Over the years, I have practiced many conversations - both with myself and those I needed to have with others- in front of my mirror. I even 'gave practice presentations' when I was a new instructor developing my self confidence.

In Gestalt training, Mariah Fenton Gladis teaches about the Awareness and Contact Cycle.

As I absorb this concept, I realize the most difficult thing for me is identifying precisely what I need. Self-awareness is vital to truly discover what is needed.

It's easy - at least it is for me - to be very general about figuring out what I need. "I need more time in the day. I need to relax. I need to slow down."

Mariah helped us get in contact with ourselves through a mirror. At first, I thought this would be simple. After all, I talk to myself in the mirror all the time. But in proceeding, I realized that I was really talking at myself, not truly with myself.

A peaceful sunrise in the rivers' land ...

So now, when I look into the mirror, I actually make contact with myself. I look at myself, into my own eyes and I ask myself:

What do I feel - really feel...?

What do I want or need - specifically...?

And then, I talk kindly to myself, both providing what I need and allowing myself to receive (hear it) as well.

So how does this help my former student's dilemma of not knowing where she belongs in the field of nursing?

Knowing how connected she has always been to her patients, I know her passion is still alive. Factors such as staff burnout and feeling unsettled in a relatively new environment are understandable reasons for her to feel off balance and a lack of creativity.

And I know that this lovely lady will remember what I stressed to her in Holistic Health. I am going to reiterate it again...

We cannot take care of our patients until we take care of ourselves. Self care is not selfish. Take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs... personal creativity is a huge part of that - whatever brings you peace, relaxation, self expression.

If you still love your patients (or whatever work you do...), listen to your heart and what you need and you truly will find work that brings you purpose.

My offer for a reference is ongoing so keep looking for the position that is deserving of you...!

And whatever you do, please don't forget to sing...here's a song I selected for you, my dear:

Before You Go...

Don't miss the good stuff circulating this week in the Weeblyhood ...

As always, your visit is appreciated.

Until next week, set about figuring out what you need and take good care,

mar

29 Comments

femmeflashpoint link

3/11/2015 03:25:23 am

Prof. Mar - I truly feel for your friend. What she's describing is an awful place to be in, as far as feelings, physically and mentally. But, as she pointed out, good things can come from these sorts of situations. If nothing else a sensitivity for others who land in them too.

I gotta say, shame on the fussers and fighters and people in medicine whose primary focus tends to be all about themselves. And, I'm thankful your friend seems to be operating via opposite polarity. ☺

I think when she finds her focus and gets in her zone, she's gonna be an awesome asset to healthcare and I pray she'll develop enough confidence that the peeps with combative and self-focus personalities will run from her and look for employment in an industry more suitable to their traits ... like ... being full-time coconut farmers on deserted islands. ☺

Your support for her is wonderful, and no doubt, one of those things she's in need of, like a gentle breeze to bring some fresh air and clear away the dust.

Thanks for sharing. Lots of folks can glean good things from your advice and expertise in these situations.

femme

Vicki link

3/11/2015 03:28:29 am

Dear Maria,

I'm so glad this young lady has you to turn to. You can always be relied on for kind and sage advice. Then there is your mirror of music as a bonus! We're all different, with different mirrors. Mine tends to be a virtual one, that I look at and contemplate in some deep part of me, so it's always handy.
When questions like this arise, it's very good to use it as contemplation, until you decide on a course of action. Not easy, sometimes, but your mirror, wherever it may be, will guide you in the direction you know you must go. When you feel really disturbed in your life, it sometimes provides the opportunity for you to move in a more productive and comfortable direction.
I so agree with you, dear Maria.
Love and hugs.

Maria link

3/11/2015 03:33:02 am

Dear Vicki,

Your comment is filled with such depth, wisdom and insight. I love that your thoughts have a place here.

I believe "L" will have even more food for thought - as will all of those who visit.

Thank you and love you, mar

Maria link

3/11/2015 03:29:55 am

Ahhhhhhhhh, femme,

I want my sweet "L" to totally sit back and slowly read your comment.

I want her to receive the supportive compassion you are sending across the miles. It's honestly as if the two of you know each other as you are "two peas in a pod" as far as ethics and philosophy.

Thank you for providing such a beautiful photo as well...you are awesome. Love and hugs, mar

Mike

3/11/2015 03:37:05 am

What Do You Need? "That's a tough one." stealing a quote from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. You have addressed the question in fine style. I hope your guidance helps the young nurse, new to her profession. It appears you have found some answers to your question.

Listening to your song selection which melds perfectly.

Maria link

3/11/2015 05:57:35 am

Dear Mike,

It's a good thing we cannot read virtual minds but your comment tickled my funny bone - in addition to being very supportive to "L".

Thanks for appreciating my song choice. Diana sings this so much better than I would have... Have a great day, mar

Jan Weber

3/11/2015 03:38:59 am

I love this quote from Maya Angelou

“Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.”

I feel that as women, especially nurses we need to come together, mentor and assist each other to be the best we can be. By doing so we can make a positive impact on patient care and and their restoration.

Maria link

3/11/2015 05:38:51 am

Dear Jan,

You are one of the finest nurses I have ever had the honor of teaching.

It's not surprising that you selected a meaningful quote from Maya Angelou...who should have been a nurse with her inherent wisdom and dignity.

Thank you for practicing what you preach and love that you've stopped by. HUGS, Maria

Kathy M

3/11/2015 03:52:26 am

this was a perfect read for me this week. Thanks Maria. Have a good weekend with Geoff

Maria link

3/11/2015 05:41:08 am

Well, speaking of wonderful nurses (weren't we...LOL!), I am wishing a lovely weekend to Nurse Kathy and Mike as well...

So happy to see you here today! HUGS, Maria

Shauna

3/11/2015 04:17:06 am

Mar, it's a blessing that your students - former and current - can turn to you with their doubts and inner turmoil. You have a gift. I know, because I've turned to you on more than one occasion. I can so relate to this woman's dilemma. It's easy to recognize that we're unhappy, but it's difficult to figure out how to fix it - especially when we begin to doubt ourselves.

Your advice comes from the heart - someone who's been there. And you're so right: we're not worth diddly durn to anyone else until we are happy and content with ourselves. It seems your friend needs some time alone to reflect and go inside until the answers make themselves known. Sometimes removing ourselves from a situation and the stimulus helps us to see and think clearly. I know she's only eight months into a new job, so taking time for herself may have to be snatched in moments, hours, and her days off.

In reaching out to you, she's already on her way. She's identified the problem. That's the beginning of the path to determining where her (our) place is in this world. Sometimes we need an emotional hand, a patient ear to help us along the way.

Maria link

3/11/2015 05:46:42 am

Dear Sha,

This comment is packed with much valuable insights.

To me, you have identified the key ingredient we need in times of inner questioning: "connection" - both with ourselves and with others who are of the same compassionate mindset.

Thank you, my friend for this and all you do. Love and hugs, Maria

t light

3/11/2015 04:57:43 am

I was also a student of Maria ' s in these same classes with "L"and she had always sparked something in me to search my soul n spirit for deeper more meaningful, self purpose, driven things. Your response to "L" resonated in my spirit. I'm experiencing a similar sense of loss in my nursing career and struggling with not knowing what is my next step.
This is my first time stopping by the blog but plan on meeting you all here weekly. I am in need of any bit of nourishment to feed my spirit.
Thank You Maria

Maria link

3/11/2015 05:34:23 am

t light -

Hugging you hard and going out of turn in comment response...as you have initiated my 'tear ducts'...!

Your pen name is OK with me because 't light, you are a delight' and you keep searching your beautiful soul, looking into your own eyes- your next step is in your heart, waiting for you...and do stop by anytime.

Also, e-mail me anytime (it's still the same) or you can "contact me" via the website. HUGS, Maria

Alica link

3/11/2015 07:35:37 am

Maria, This is something many people that are traveling down the road of destiny with purpose need to hear. I pray this beautiful nurse keeps trudging through this muddy low spot on her path. You know the kind of mud that is so sticky and thick, it wants to suck the boots right off of your feet. Hopefully she will be able to kick off her mud boots before long and slip on some sandals for a more enjoyable path. Her legs will be stronger for sure after this stretch of road for sure, especially with someone like you helping her read the road signs! I hope this does not sound too off the wall.

Maria link

3/11/2015 11:35:37 pm

Dear Alicia,

I can 'see' your comment and it is ever so supportive- not off the wall at all. Thanks for your visit and the wisdom you have shared.

Have a peaceful day. Love and hugs, Maria

kimmie

3/11/2015 09:08:51 am

Dear Maria
This sweet nurse is indeed blessed to have you as a confidant and instructor. You gave her such great advice. I do think we as new nurses have moved about trying to find our place and in the process we run into many with less than honorable ethics and less caring attitudes. Once we find our home and it may be for a season the negative things that we encountered possibly in another job only help us deal with others more effectively. We recognize we are there for the patient and always take the high road. It is not easy and I have encountered many situations among the ranks of nurses but it teaches us to be cool..stable...and forthright in our nursing duties. I would like to add all new nursing jobs are stressful in the beginning but after we give them a fare shot it is amazing how things can turn around. Thank you so much for sharing this precious nurse.
Love
Kimmie

Maria link

3/11/2015 11:38:16 pm

Dear Kimmie,

Your comment is so meaningful given the compassionate and competent nurse you continue to be- even in your 'retirement'!

You are one in a million and I thank you for stopping by with your feedback. Love and hugs, Maria

Sunshine

3/11/2015 11:44:28 am

Your students are so lucky to have had you as their teacher and mentor. You know a teacher made an impact on a student when the student continues to reach out to them for guidance long after they have moved on. Well, MM you will never be my nursing teacher but you continue to teach me with your words, thoughts and emotions! Thank you!

Maria link

3/11/2015 11:40:32 pm

Dear Sunshine,

Your words are kind and appreciated. You teach me about compassion, commitment and caring on a regular basis in your love for the Cap.

Have a wonderful day. Love and hugs, MM

Martie link

3/11/2015 11:57:01 am

Dear Maria, the letter of your student reminded me of the times I have found myself in a stage where I experienced no satisfaction and fulfillment. I have always called these stages 'deserts', which I just had to roam on my way to a 'promised land'. This is the time for introspection, of learning who we really are, of finding and acknowledging our purpose in life.

Looking back today, I can but only confirm that the right door always open at the right time, and after spending some time in the dessert, one is always reborn and ready for the next chapter in one's life.

I am sending positive vibes to you and your student, filled with my best wishes.

Martie

3/11/2015 12:03:10 pm

Oh boy, when is Weebly going to give us the opportunity to edit our comments? I always manage to commit at least one horrible typo.....

So, ya, why not enjoy sweet desserts while you find yourself lost in one or another desert :)

Maria link

3/11/2015 11:43:21 pm

Dear Martie,

Even though I knew what you meant the first time around, I agree we should enjoy desserts as we are lost in the desert...why the heck not...LOL?

Your comments are meaningful and insightful. Thanks for the visit and hope you are having a good day. Love you much, mar

Peggyruth Bossert

3/12/2015 05:25:30 pm

Maria,
I am exactly where your friend is. I can not get a job as an RN BSN Since graduating in May. I am still holding on to I am where I need to be to learn or to teach. I am a good nurse but like your friend I am loosing confidence. Dear friend stay true to yourself and allow yourself to grow from your experiences. You may be getting a very clear picture where you should not be so you can find the peaceful place you deserve. Good luck stay strong

Maria link

3/13/2015 01:58:28 am

Dear Peggyruth,

I know what a dedicated, competent and compassionate nurse you are - never forgetting the heart, soul and passion you put into your Community project. You are a born teacher, that much I am sure of...

I love your words of support to "L" and ask you to absorb them back to remind yourself as often as needed there is your own peaceful place that 'you' deserve too.

Keep in touch and thanks for taking the time to stop by. HUGS, Maria

Gail Sobotkin

4/19/2015 04:56:09 pm

I'm late in seeing this, but am glad I read it this evening. "L's" concerns and challenges were shared with an open heart, seeking guidance on her nursing path and I thought your response, and the response of other readers was compassionate and wise.
Even though I'm now a retired nurse, I still remember how challenging it was to enter the field, and also during various transitions during my long career.
One of the things that I eventually realized was what you said in this quote: "We cannot take care of our patients until we take care of ourselves. Self care is not selfish. Take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs... personal creativity is a huge part of that - whatever brings you peace, relaxation, self expression."
The better I got at following that wisdom, the clearer the path of nursing became.
As others have expressed in their comments, I think it's wonderful that "L" can turn to you for support as finding a good nurse mentor can make the difference between whether a new nurse successfully adjusts to the challenges in this field, or ends up prematurely leaving the profession. I hope she continues to reach out to you and also eventually finds a good mentor at her place of employment.
Sending Blessings to Both of You,
Gail

Maria link

5/17/2015 01:39:37 am

Dear Gail,
Wow, I'm even late in discovering this jewel of a response to this post...
... it's wonderful that "L" and I have continued to keep in touch about this. In fact, I'm very much looking forward to a dinner visit when she is in the area this summer.
You are a wonderful inspiration, role model and friend to me. I look forward to our 'self care' workshop in June...!
Love and hugs, Maria

Gail Sobotkin

5/17/2015 03:10:45 am

Dear Maria,
I'm soooo looking foward to our workshop, too. Gestalt will be a totally new experience for me and it will be a true blessing to be there with you in the beautiful setting of Cape May!
So glad you'll also be meeting up with "L" for dinner sometime this summer.
Love & Hugs,
Gail

Maria link

6/30/2015 07:28:57 am

Today is 'catch up' day and I'm discovering how thoughtful you are in your follow up comments, dear Gail... :)

Cape May was indeed a treasured experience for me...I enjoyed every moment of this weekend with you.

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